Great Bike
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you
want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice;
the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."
Logic
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Logic
There is a half glass of scotch on a table.
The Arts student says that it symbolizes unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and
asks, "What's the question?"
Top 10 reasons to date an Engineer
1.The world does revolve around them... they choose the coordinate
system
2.No "couple" enjoy a better "moment"
3.They know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship
4.They have significant figures
5.The motion of rigid bodies
6.Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?
7.Engineers do it to specification
8.According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal
and opposite
9.They know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you
apply the force
10.They know the right hand rule
Frog Princess
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you
kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled
at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won’t you kiss me? The engineer said, "Look I’m an
engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that’s cool."
The Wife, Mistress......
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer:
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."
Differences
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Logic
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t
fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have
enough features yet."
"X" marks the spot
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing
all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion-dollar machines. It shook and vibrated violently every time they started
the machine. They had tried everything and everyone else to get
the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the
challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular spot on the side
component of the machine, took a sledge hammer and hit the spot a smashing blow. Instantly, the
machine quit vibrating and ran smooth as silk.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for
his service.
They wrote him a letter saying that $50,000 for hitting the machine
was outrageous as any fool could have done that. They demanded an
explanation.
The engineer responded with a new bill stating:
One sledge hammer blow to machinery - $1.00
Knowing where to hit machinery - $49,999.00
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Why Engineers don't write recipes
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
- 532 . 35 cm3 gluten
- 4 . 9 cm3 NaHCO3
- 4 . 9 cm3 refined halite
- 236 . 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
- 177 . 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
- 177 . 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
- 4 . 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
- Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
- 473 . 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
- 236 . 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size
#10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add
ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L
reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add
ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of
the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine
and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this
point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the
result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first
order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once
the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Blind Firefighters
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What’s with these guys? We must
have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don’t know, but I’ve never
seen such ineptitude!
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s
have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us?
They’re rather slow, aren’t they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that’s a group of
blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That’s so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I’m going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them ".
The engineer said, "Why can’t these guys play at
night?"
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.
Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a
while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says
with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan
replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up
here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here
or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Directions
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I
would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42
degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I
am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me
is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I
am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you
are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no
idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is
you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now
it is somehow my fault.
You might be an engineer if . . .
. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
. . . you enjoy pain.
. . . you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long
division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
. . . you’ve actually ever used every single function on your graphing
calculator.
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a
computer.
. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of
water.
. . . you think in “math.”
. . . you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to
break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually
performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science
building which says "Exit.”
. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer,
because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to
the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to
have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according
to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of
use.
. . . you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to
make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this list to all of your
friends in the form of email.
Favorite Subjects
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical
order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open
them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're
heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are
interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always
understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
Playing Games
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each
other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks
if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he
politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer
persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains "I
ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you
ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K.,
if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the
answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so
he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question,
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then
Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop
computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes
the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the
$50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's
the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches
into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to
sleep.
We hope you enjoyed this page!
If you have a engineering related joke please send it so we
can add it to this page.
Send it to: jdunn@irishassociates.com
